When we talk about relationships, no matter what it is, either we tend to go mawkishly sentimental with it or scrutinize it too much by overthinking, playing the blame game, or just keep on dragging it with no fizz! But hang on! Why be obligated to a bond if you don't feel the need from within? Or why are you fearing a dead end with a person with whom you really want to share the rest of your life?
Well, let's take it slow and steady and start with the fact that the human mind is complex and always not prepared to get accustomed to changes. Different situations in life demand that we act sane and wise- no matter how pressing things might be! It has been your call to go for a live-in relationship and there will be things that will bother you. Whenever you feel you are stuck and things seem overpowering for you – book an appointment with a certified couple counselor and fix things.
Prepare yourself for the initial storm
Here we are talking about live-in relationships! Be mentally prepared for the backlash when you voice your desire to go for one. When you and your partner decide to move in together and go for a test drive before grabbing the keys to a happy marriage – just sit and talk with your partner that things will not be smooth and both of you together must override things and work it out!
There will be disagreements and arguments! Be it your parents or hers, be it your cousin or her grandfather, be it her sister or your aunt – do not be in the approval-seeking mode from everyone because you are not a Nutella jar and you cannot please everyone!
It is your choice that you made- accept it, embrace it – be bold and gutsy!
Love and relationship is not the same thing
The idealistic picture that we create in our mind when we think of love and weave those romantic dreams often prove to be figments of imagination! There is no harm in doing that or building your expectation tunnel – but please ensure that there is a strong, practical backbone to your train of thought, your plans,and expectations so that you don't break down when expectations and reality clash with differences cropping up!
You can be in love with the idea of being in love, the sugary-syrupy talks, the king-size vacay plans, the timeline of acquiring a swanky flat, a posh car, and the list just goes on! When you are moving in with your partner, get real, filter the big dreams with a realistic edge – be a dreamer but not an over reacher! Love the person the way he/she is and not only the things that you associate with when considering him/her as your partner. Just pause for a while and think:
Did you make these plans with the active inclusion of your partner?
Are their shoulders strong enough to carry it all with them right now?
Are you just being unrealistic?
The 3D's that make you human. (Disagreements. Disappointments. Distress.)
When you are in a live-in relationship, you are slowly getting to know each other better. Give it some time! In order to make things work, it needs the effort of both partners.
Disagreements are okay. Disappointments are part and parcel of living together. Distress is when you overthink or ignore the red flags!
You partner might snore a lot while sleeping which is pissing you off!
They might be a water baby and love to spend long hours in the bathroom, which you find weird!
They have a habit of keeping wet towels on the bed after freshening up, which you find inconvenient, and they forget to rectify it even after you've reminded them multiple times.
Your partner might be addicted to buying shoes even though the shoe cabinet is huffing and puffing and feeling choked. And you find it meaningless!
Signs you are in an unhealthy live-in relationship:
Conflicts drag on for months and the blame game doesn't stop.
There is less intimacy- emotionally as well as physically
You have irreconcilable trust issues
No meaningful or funny conversation happens
Spending 'We-time' has taken a hit
There is too much intervention happening in every zone
There is no carved out individual space
Jealousy gets the better of you
Patterns of disrespect, poking fun at each other with the intention to hurt
There is toxic communication
Lack of support for each other's ambitions and goals
The cycle and patterns of maltreatment or insults keep on happening
Go for professional advice and counseling: Don't delay things!
When you connect with an expert and pour out the stuffs acting as a hindrance to your live-in relationship seeming to hit rock bottom – Just let everything out without fear of being judged! Avoid sugarcoating things, as it may hinder the experts' ability to help you arrive at a solution.
Often you need a patient listener and the pros offering professional counseling services are always open to guide you. When you share your concerns unabashedly with shyness taking backside, the interaction with a counselor will make you feel lighter. You feel good about yourself, you get steeped in positivity and you feel in control of yourself, in control of the situation that you are in.
You will find a true dimension as to where your live-in relationship is heading– you can de-clutter your mind and fill it with constructive thoughts! If you and your partner want your relationship to work, there is no way stepping back. With the help of a counseling psychologist, you can see for yourself whether things have gone majorly wrong and turned toxic or your live-in bond will get a new lease of life making you elated with joy.